Pure Joy

I don't know if I can properly explain the amount of emotion I have gone through in the past couple of weeks. I started off this semester not feeling anything at all(which is a horrible place to be). My lack of emotion had been going on for quite awhile, but I was not ready to admit that to myself until about two weeks ago. I tried to cover it up by staying way too busy and constantly surrounding myself with people. Eventually I took on so much that I became overwhelmed and because of this I lost many hours of sleep. I never wanted to go to sleep , but I never wanted to wake up in the morning because my dreams seemed better than the reality that I was living.

 I can't even explain what this lack of emotion came from. I have gone through a lot of changes over the past year and maybe they  have just come from that. I also think that part of it was that God was hiding himself from me. I was at place where didn't even understand how to seek God out. I wanted to so badly in my mind, but I couldn't understand what it meant to want to seek God. So the more overwhelmed I got the more I beat myself up about not being able to feel, until one day I broke. Some stuff happened and I cried more than I had in a least six months combined. While crying, some friends made me laugh and at that moment I felt more emotion than I had in several months. Finally my feelings had returned! I was so excited, but it was not that easy. For the next couple of weeks I felt a lot of pain. I continued to be really hard on myself about all of the things that I was not doing or about things that I could not control. 

A couple days ago this changed. I started controlling my thoughts and through that I have found peace. I have constantly been reminding myself of Phillipians 4:8-9. It says, Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." I am learning to think about things that are good and right and not to make up crazy scenarios about myself that cause me to think wrong thoughts. 

So today I have been reminded that it is PURE JOY to struggle because it is only through that that we truly grow.  

 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4