Pure Joy

I don't know if I can properly explain the amount of emotion I have gone through in the past couple of weeks. I started off this semester not feeling anything at all(which is a horrible place to be). My lack of emotion had been going on for quite awhile, but I was not ready to admit that to myself until about two weeks ago. I tried to cover it up by staying way too busy and constantly surrounding myself with people. Eventually I took on so much that I became overwhelmed and because of this I lost many hours of sleep. I never wanted to go to sleep , but I never wanted to wake up in the morning because my dreams seemed better than the reality that I was living.

 I can't even explain what this lack of emotion came from. I have gone through a lot of changes over the past year and maybe they  have just come from that. I also think that part of it was that God was hiding himself from me. I was at place where didn't even understand how to seek God out. I wanted to so badly in my mind, but I couldn't understand what it meant to want to seek God. So the more overwhelmed I got the more I beat myself up about not being able to feel, until one day I broke. Some stuff happened and I cried more than I had in a least six months combined. While crying, some friends made me laugh and at that moment I felt more emotion than I had in several months. Finally my feelings had returned! I was so excited, but it was not that easy. For the next couple of weeks I felt a lot of pain. I continued to be really hard on myself about all of the things that I was not doing or about things that I could not control. 

A couple days ago this changed. I started controlling my thoughts and through that I have found peace. I have constantly been reminding myself of Phillipians 4:8-9. It says, Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." I am learning to think about things that are good and right and not to make up crazy scenarios about myself that cause me to think wrong thoughts. 

So today I have been reminded that it is PURE JOY to struggle because it is only through that that we truly grow.  

 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

Romance

The fleeting and suffering soul,

the gentle soul,

the fragrant soul of those divine lilies

which I gathered in the garden of your thoughts,

Whither have the winds forced it,

that adorable soul of the lilies?

Is there no fragrance remaining 

of the heavenly loveliness of those days 

when you enveloped me

in their supernatural mist

Fashioned of hope,

of faithful love,

of blessedness and peace?

These are the the English lyrics to a French song I am singing in women's chorus.It is called "Romace," by Claude Debussy. Today we were singing it with very little passion. It was as though none of us  knew what the song was really saying.  Dr. Powell stopped the class and had us discuss the lyrics. We talked about how Debussy was reminiscing about a time when everything was good between he and the one he loved. He was talking about what had gotten in the way of their love for one another and about how important it was for them to remember how great it was in the beginning so they could continue to love one another. The choir also discussed how we relate to this piece. We talked about how we have all been in a similar situation and from there Dr. Powell encouraged us to use the hurt we felt then and turn it into passion to sing. When we did this the song sounded amazing! It was so beautiful. It was really neat to hear how the notes and words complemented each other to bring about something incredibly beautiful. It was also very cool to hear how good a song could sound when it was sung with great passion.